All I Know

One of the biggest struggles I have had with my faith is simply: why do I believe? I’ve always had a very real fear that someone would ask me why I believe in God and I wouldn’t have the faintest idea of how to answer. I’m no theologian. I know nothing about apologetics. I’ve given talks about faith a million times but know very little about the Church’s history and haven’t read half the bible. So why DO I believe?

In Steve’s never-ending quest to help me find my way, he bought me a book called Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli, wherein I found my answer. Yaconelli recounts the biblical story of Jesus healing the blind man, and how the religious leaders of that day tried to renounce this miracle by calling Jesus a sinner. The blind man responded, “Whether he is a sinner or not, I don’t know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!” Yaconelli relates this to a story of a modern day man who is criticized for knowing very little about his faith.

“You are right. I am ashamed at how little I know about [Jesus]. But this much I know: Three years ago I was a drunkard. I was in debt. My family was falling to pieces; they dreaded the sight of me. But now I have given up drink. We are out of debt. Ours is a happy home. My children eagerly await my return home each evening. All this Christ has done for me. This much I know of Christ!”

Likewise, I admit I don’t know much. But this much I do know:

I was alone. I lost my marriage. I lost my job and my apartment. I lost my son. My friends and family couldn’t help me. I lost me. I was homeless, depressed. I lost hope. I was literally at rock bottom. Until one evening I decided to go to church for no other reason than the fact that I had no where else to turn. And God’s love saved me. I got back on my feet. I got a job and a room. I got my son back. I found the love of my life. I found myself again, only a totally different self than I even knew existed.

I don’t know how to prove Jesus to anyone. I don’t have adequate words to explain why I have faith. All I know is that God has done amazing things in my life. And even though I’m sinful and fickle and still get lost along the way, my eyes can still see all the blessings God has given me.

When confronted with questions about Jesus, the blind man is not afraid to say, “I don’t know.” “I don’t know” is often the only reply we can give to explain the mystery of Christ…Our personal relationship with Christ is often the only apologetic we can offer. Our lack of knowing is the beginning of humility and the very essence of spiritual life.